By Emma Tomsich
Newsprint
Mercy HS
1st Place
Division 4, News Writing
Feature Columnist
My heart rate intensified, pounding in my ears, while my throat closed up, letting nothing escape but a few periodic whimpers followed by a stream of tears. I felt trapped.
Trapped in the cold cinderblock building that made me feel dark, despite the walls being decorated with bright letters and colors. Trapped in the back of the classroom, head down and body hunched while my teacher yelled.
Trapped despite the many times I tried to calmly count to 10. Trapped because no matter how many times I begged, I had to undergo another day of school.
Every day in the second grade, I fought a battle that I couldn’t win.
I had always been an eager student who enjoyed learning, but with an increase in homework, and a teacher I despised, school transformed from a positive environment with smiling staff and students to a scary place full of dread.
All of my feelings of worry and fear built up inside of my small body, and for the first few weeks of school, panic attacks were a daily occurrence. Before school each day, my mom would reassure me that it was going to be a good day.
After many days of struggling, though, I stopped believing her.
I wondered what was wrong with me. Was I overreacting? Would the other kids think I was a weirdo or a crybaby? Would I ever feel happy and love school again?
I was diagnosed with anxiety, a mental health disorder triggered by fear and my painful experiences in second grade. After learning more about my disorder, my mom introduced me to many strategies that helped me manage my anxiety and find positivity within a school environment.
My mom helped me learn my triggers and guided me through exercises to slow and prevent panic attacks. She also showed me how to get organized and take control of my life.
My mom taught me to accept my differences, stay positive, and learn how to live with my lifelong disorder.
Soon second grade became a place that I wanted to go, full of laughs, bright colors, and new lessons. Going to school made me happy and each day I looked forward to a fun, new experience that took my mind off all my worries.
Ten years later, I still occasionally suffer from panic attacks. But as I’ve grown, my anxiety has become more manageable and easier for me to handle. At different times in my life, however, it flares up.
Even the smallest things like picking out an outfit or deciding what I want to eat for dinner can send me over the edge. Sometimes it feels like my anxiety has gone away for good, but then it returns and I feel haunted by it once again.
High school is very demanding, and at times I find myself back in the shoes of my second grade self, hating school. Grades, tests, essays, and deadlines continue to haunt me, and my greatest stressor, math, is the worst of them all.
I have always been a grammar-loving English person, which explains why math has never come easily. Freshman year, I began my high school career taking Honors Geometry, and I was definitely in over my head.
Not only did I have trouble understanding the material, but I did very poorly on most assignments. Every day after school included tears and panic. Eventually I was assisted by both my teacher and an outside tutor, and my grades began rising in the class.
Each year I face a different battle with math, transitioning from Honors Geometry to Honors Algebra II to Honors Pre-Calculus, and finally to Calculus, which I am taking now, but through my struggles with math I have worked hard to not let it get the best of me.
Mercy is an academically challenging school, and not only am I enrolled in honors and Advanced Placement courses, but I am also very involved outside of school. For me, being a part of many groups helps me to express myself, meet others, and form relationships.
Extra work from school and clubs is certainly overwhelming for me, but because I feel supported by others who are going through similar issues, I know that I can succeed and fight the demons and doubts that hold me back.
Although everyone experiences stress, anxiety, and worry at one point, many individuals rise above their diagnosis and take control of their lives to accomplish great things.
Actress Emma Stone was diagnosed with anxiety as a child and has since spoken out about her disorder. She teamed up with the Child Mind Institute, a nonprofit that helps children struggling with mental disorders, in a new campaign to reduce the stigmas of mental illnesses. Stone also released a video, encouraging others with anxiety to learn how to manage it and make the most of it. Like Emma Stone and many others worldwide, I am dealing with my anxiety, and I am delighted with the person I have become.
I know that my battle with anxiety is not over, but I have the necessary tools, resources, and people in my life to help me to stay on top of it and not let it bring me down.
If my second grade self were able to see the young woman I have become, she would be proud of me and proud of the ways I continue to fight my unending battle with anxiety.